As a precursor: We all embody both masculine and feminine energies. Depending on what you are more dominant in, you will relate to certain aspects of this post and the masculine partner to this piece to be released next week. From here obviously meaning no confusion or disrespect, I will do my best to say Masculine and Feminine, but if I refer to boy and girl, man and woman, etc. It is simply because it is related to my personal experience.
Let's kick things off with the sad, depressing childhood wounds I carried around for years which helped to develop my unique understanding of this conceptualization of traits found within the Wounded Feminine.
I was told at a young age that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and thus might not be able to procreate, which deeply affected the psychological comprehension of my femininity. Related to that, I also developed early but felt the ugly duckling syndrome for years. Lucky for me, I had and still have the personality and charisma of a Tony Robbins type. But from here, being uncomfortable with my physicality (as we all have been, I know we are all special snowflakes,) led me to have patterns in both friendship and romantic dynamics that were shaping my overall understanding of my femininity.
My friendship pattern would gravitate toward other feminines who I suppose in a way made me feel needed. I think I subconsciously chose those who I perceived as weaker than me in some way because it was nice to be able to nurture them. Yet at the same time, they were making choices or portraying themselves in their physicality where I didn't feel safe, so this started to develop my skewed view of femininity.
Understanding the inner workings of others and people coming to me for my strength, I think of how I allowed that view of sexuality to alter my sense of romanticism because that didn't feel like it was part of the equation. It was this search for validation and egoically, having a boyfriend by any means necessary.
I have always had male friends, way back to the time of cooties. I tapped into their vulnerability without even realizing it and I simply engaged with them differently. I also have experienced being pushed aside for the likes of the female I referred to above, so I put a guard up around my heart very young, assuming I wasn't viewed as a viable feminine option. When you do connect quite deeply with people, it sort of makes everything and everyone else seem like an act of frivolity as well. So I was constantly juxtaposing my interpretation of shame because I wasn't receiving external male validation (as we are taught to require and desire) and realizing I didn't need it. But that sort of felt like an ostracisation until I came to terms with it.
I'm simply wired with a different level of strength and integrity. I don't say that as an offense, but when I was stuck in the carnival mirrors and reflecting patterns to others, that is when it clicked that my integrity is of the utmost importance. I understood that knowing my self-worth is what I had built over the years based on my unique experience, which in itself makes me incredibly desirable and powerfully feminine. It is even in typing this where that certainty has previously made me feel guilty for owning it.
Thinking back, the Wounded Feminine energy that is prevalent and persistent is derived from the teaching that we need a masculine to complete us. And of course we have to look and act a certain way to meet their requirements. We need them to survive and biologically, yes, but it is how we go about things that are the problem. Our suppressed feelings of inadequacy, shame, and violation lead to our submissiveness and degrading ourselves for attention. We then turn around and hold resentment toward the masculine for doing these things to us instead of stopping to focus on the absurdity of that all.
We gossip, backstab, and stir the pot. We demean one another for the sake of some drama or to appear superior to the opposite sex. We seem to as females have a bubbling resentment toward one another under the surface. We have been taught to be competitive and possessive which is the complete opposite of healthy feminine energy.
When I took a step back and reevaluated myself, I realized there was a need to define my femininity because I am in fact, deeply rooted in that traditional receptive softness. I needed to remove myself from others who differed from me because I had learned the lessons and began to celebrate my unique embodiment. I also realized there were things with other feminines that transpired and were not okay tracing back to childhood of how we sell ourselves short and project that onto others.
As I began to peel away the layers of illusions from years of conditioning, that romanticism toward masculine-feminine relationships has returned but it is also the happiness I have found within both of my energies. Seeing the connectivity between everything eventually helps the ego calm down and allows the heart to release love to all experiences. I surround myself today with likeminded feminines to build a sisterhood with and I thank all those who came before who taught me other aspects within myself and all of us that require supportive healing.